I wanna go air show

I hear those words everytime I leave for the office. The air show to my little ones is a really 'cool' office at the airport where lots of people give them special attention, helicopters and airplanes come and go frequently, and there is cable TV. They do not see it as the giant hair ball of stress that I sometimes view it as- they see wonderfulness.

So it may have come to them as a surprise when Dan brought them out this weekend to 'the air show' and there was in fact an air show. I could almost see the frustration on their faces, for all of these people to be at their air show. When allyson was little, she always referred to it as her air show. She thought it was cool that I brought all of those planes in for her to see, I never corrected her. She also used to line up all her baby dolls and put on an air show for them in her bedroom. I miss her being two. But I enjoy her being 8 (with the exception of her sometimes less than desirable mannors).

I just want to stop myself right now and say how extremely thankful I am to my mother in law. Every year I beg Dan to take the week before the air show off as vacation- because basically at that point I check out and work 12-17 hour days through the show and it is SO HARD to try and keep up. And every year he doesn't. And every year his mom comes over and stays with us for 4-5 days and becomes the mom while I do air show stuff. I would never be able to do this if it weren't for her to come stay and help. And this year we gave her the flu. I'm taking names for anyone who might be willing to keep them next year, because I bet we won't see her again : )

And since I am going there, I just want to say how thankful I am that my mom is willing to come down and watch the kids while I go 'air show'. I would never have agreed to do this and take the kids to daycare. Originally, the plan was for me to take them with me. For crying out loud, I generally only work 12 hours a week. How hard could that be? My good friend Ronda tricked, uh, I mean told me how easy it was to take the kids to work with her. After all I was just supposed to 'answer the phones'. That just didn't last, and was not possible. I still take them with me quite a bit, but it's never a productive day when I do. So I am grateful my mom comes and watches them so I can go. And the kids love it too.In my pre-emily and pre-sam life, I was the event coordinator for the show. It has been so hard to come back to the event and not want to step up and do the same job I did before. But I can give no more than 12 hours a week, and my children sucked out my brains when they grew in my womb- so I am more tired and stupider now than I used to be. But still smart enough to draw my line in the sand and say 'can't do it dude!' If it were 4 years from now, I would love to take back over my 'old' role. But for now, I'm just spending my days trying to restrain myself. As much as I loved my job- I love my children more and for now I want to keep my focus on them. Can you tell I have been struggling a lot with being back at work? I trust God, I gave this decision to him before I made it to return part time, and now I'm just laying low waiting to make sure I didn't ignore His 'real' answer. I do that a lot you know, take something I think might be from God and decide it's his answer and run with it- only to second guess myself later and realize maybe he wasn't saying that after all. If only God had email or post it notes so that this all could just be a bit more clear. Any who.(I have no idea what I was pointing at- but can't you just imagine Jesus himself decending out of those clouds? I'm sure probably a plane went by- but I am not a 'professional photog' so I just basically point and shoot- which means the plane blasted by and I missed it waiting on my stupid cameras delay : )

Talk about a rough job- that is a woman on top of that plane. A cute, little, skinny, 50ish woman who wears fabulous shoes standing on top of that plane. No ropes, no straps, no strings, shes' just letting the wind, force and gravity hold her on. I digress- back to my stupid job (although I think hers is stupider!) I am adjusting to being back- this was air show #2 since I returned. All in all, that makes me present and accounted for a grand total of 8 out of 12 shows. But I just want to be their mom. Not all the air show committee peoples mom, my children's mom. Felt like that needed some clarification. So again, I just will sit back and wait to see what happens. Not sure how much longer my mom will want to watch them either. Sometimes she seems to not 'love' it- which makes me feel really bad because I really would prefer to be with them.

Sam let out a whoop when this bad boy taxied by. He is so sweet, and such a little man. Since my entire entry is just basically whining- I will continue as I would not want to let you down. I want to say that I am a big girl and because I am such a Proverbs 31 woman I can handle Dan's new work schedule with grace and joy- but that would be a big giant lie. I miss having him home. Eating dinner alone with the kids is usually fun, as we have goofy stuff like pasta or soup because Dan generally wants his MEAT, and it's usually once in a great while. So to occassionally have him gone makes for a fun dinner. But this is now the norm, and we miss him. I am a 'everyone at the dinner table' kind of gal, and it doesn't seem right to not have our evening meal as a family. Not to mention, no matter what I cook, no one eats it. Last night I made rigattoni, and Emily ate her garlic toast, allyson didn't eat anything (she's off the hook due to the flu) and sam ate 2 bites and then threw the tomatoes on the floor. It seems like such a waste of my time. I shoud just take the food right from the fridge and throw it in the trash. Then again, I could just throw it away at the grocery and save the expense, let alone the time to drag it home and put it away. They ended up eating oreo cookies for dinner. And I'm afraid that is as good as it's going to get for a while.So I get it now. I understand why Shelley is always so willing for me to stay for dinner when I bring it. It's not because I am a fabulous cook and she loves my food- It's because she's lonely without Dave- an adult to help with the kids and talk about 'whatever' with. I knew this, I got it, but now I understand. The thought of going the next 4 months with Dan on this schedule is overwhelming and painful. But he has a good job, and it will all balance in the end. I'm just being a big ginormous baby. So Shelley and I will both get our husbands back at the first of the year. Until then, I will continue to cry and have big tantrums, and Shelley will continue on with such grace and calmness. She's a better woman than me, and I'm okay with that. I have such wonderful friends that surround me, and I am proud to be the 'crying maniac woman' one of the bunch. Because you are my friends, I will do that for you.

Tonight is Emily's back to school night. She can hardly wait. She's asked 4 times while I've been typing this if it is time to go yet. It's going to be a long day.