I was sitting in the courtroom when it happened. The judge ordered it. And I felt the blood run right out of my body. My limbs felt cold and I couldn't move.
"Clear the courtroom" came from a gruff looking bailiff. But I had lost my ability to do that. To move. I felt numb.
The girls we had the high honor of housing for 8 months this year were coming back. As in now, like right now. And although I knew we had filed a waiver to have them at our home, I really thought it was just a formality. Because seriously? All five girls were going to again have to leave their momma and come back to our house? Right then?
Providers began discussing who would pick up who and when they should arrive and who was going to gather belongings and I couldn't move. But I had to. I had to act as though bringing FIVE people back to my home in an hour was no big deal. But that is a big deal.
I had to tell my people. And they were all over the place with emotions. One began packing up her room, making space. She was organizing the chaos in her physical space. One needed to be held and just assured it was going to be okay. And to be prayed with. One (our current foster son) needed to know who was taking him to basketball later that night. And the last needed to cry. She was crying at the injustice and worry about how these girls were going to feel when they had to leave their home......again.
I don't mean to focus only on my part of this story. The trauma for these kiddos is HORRIBLE. They were safe and home and enjoying it, and then they were back here and they don't understand. I don't even understand.
And it all feels so impossible. And- I'm just being honest here- I felt my human side saying no. That it was too hard, too much, too close to christmas, we have this little boy already, i'm just now feeling a bit 'normal'.............but then my spirit side says yes.
Because when we choose to walk into the unknown, the hard, the impossible.....God shows up in big ways.
I have a friend who says that we should always err on the side of people, because they are all we get to take to heaven. Which is a good reminder, because we have got some people going on right now. Hard stuff, earthly stuff, impossible human stuff.......but none of it is bigger than God. So if we can continue to walk with Him, He will cover the earthly gaps.
And He is. Physically, financially, the blessings just keep coming. It's all covered. He is good, so good. We will just keep praying, pointing hurting people to Him and waiting. I know this won't be forever. And what a high honor to be asked to do something this big. So we will do it.
And we will buy more wrapping paper and scotch tape.
And toilet paper.