Saturday, April 22, 2017

Pink is his favorite color

Six months, almost to the day.  This little man at just 10 years old has permanently become a part of our family that will forever be missed.

He came in with just a bag of stuff and a giant attitude.  Like a chip on his shoulder you could see a mile away.  His story is his and he keeps it tucked safely away, only snips and tiny pieces coming out here and there in conversation.  Guarded and protected.

Whatever circumstances landed him here in our home, in foster care, carved him into the young man he is.  Complicated, funny, defiant, loving, hurting......hardened.  But amazing. Just soft enough to let a belly laugh out every now and again and to surprise me with the sweetest words in the middle of a sea of hurtful ones.

I didn't see the end coming.  We are a home that stands in the gap for kids while they wait on their parents to do or finish whatever it is that DCS asks they do.  We just love in the mean time.  And his launching time was no where in sight just yet.  He was as folded into our daily lives as any of us are.  But things happen when hearts are as volatile as spring weather and before I knew it I was loading his things into bags.

Marbles. Pok√©mon cards. Plastic toys and drawings and cards and...........six months worth of life.  With no time to discuss or prepare or plan, we were loading him into his case workers car with his next place still unknown.  And my heart is aching.  Hurting.  Grieving. 

This is not the plan I had for this little man, or our family, or this chapter of our life story.  And it hurts like no pain I have ever experienced in my whole life.  Every part of our home is screaming out his absence.  I wish that somehow we could have served him better, made it to the end, not had to surrender him to another home.

Please Jesus carry this young man and keep our lives interwoven.  Please don't let all of this have been for nothing. 

Good bye sweet boy- I will forever be in prayer for you.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Rainy days and Mondays......

It was a Monday.  I remember distinctively and will forever.

The day we got the call.

Mondays are full and busy and exhausting.  And this particular Monday was the first one back to our homeschool co-op after Spring Break.  I was wiped out.  The entire drive home I was thinking about a simple dinner and a for sure nap.

And then my phone rang.

A gentle voice explained that there was an 18month old little boy in need of immediate placement.  And then she asked if I wanted to hear more.  And in my heart I knew there would be no nap.

After a family meeting and unanimous votes I knew my home was about to absorb a baby.

Nothing in the universe could have prepared me for what it was going to feel like to try and identify and connect with a scared and confused tiny soul who can't talk and can't understand.  All I had for him was a willing heart and open arms.  And a whole house full of people who were anxious for his presence.

It's been a week.  And I am in love.  Complete love with a tiny man whose past I have no idea about, nor his future to be exact.  But for his present I am so happy to open my home, my arms and my heart.  Knowing that the pain when he leaves our home will be as obvious as his absence.  It feels kind of hard falling in love with someone I know I will have to let go of.  But I do so willingly....


Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Here I am Lord

So much is going on around here.  So much.

Its been just over a month since the girls came back.  Our days are filled with case workers, therapists, visits, casas, calls, appointments.....I can't even describe it all.
Yet somehow God keeps it all straight. And doesn't let us jack it up too bad.

But here?  The laundry, the dishes, the devices to manage, the emails, the food, the shopping.....it's all a lot.  Like if a lake is a lot, I am in the middle of what feels like an ocean.

Weave in the emotions of 9 children, all of whom are experiencing some sort of trauma, and all I can do is press into the Lord and try to be available.

The little boy we are fostering will be here for a while.  A long while.  Mom has some serious stuff she has to deal with, some involving jail time, and we are going to just plan on him being with us for a long long time.

I am standing in faith that the girls will not.  But the last time they came I believed it would be a few months and it was actually eight.  But I pray daily for God to fix this.  Whatever needs fixing.  And make the madness stop.  These girls being gone from their home with their mom feels a bit on the insane side.  Children can't feel safe and stable unless they have confidence that mom is doing what is right and unless their environment is stable.  But selfishly- I just want them to go home.  This all feels like too much.  Emotions are bubbling over daily.  Frustrations are building.  Their hearts are confused.

In the bible, Abraham is told by God to take his son Isaac and sacrifice him (Genesis 22:2-8).  And Abraham, although he loved his son very much, did what God asked him to do.  He even bound him and laid him on top of the wood at the alter and was reaching for the knife.  That is when an angel of the Lord stopped him and said he didn't have to sacrifice his son.  That because he was willing to do so, it showed God that he feared Him enough to not even withhold his own son.

I feel a bit like Abraham.  The toll that this decision is taking on my children is great.  There is always a price, right?  A price for obedience. A price to saying yes to the hard, unimaginable things God asks us to do.  And there is not a single person among the eleven of us living in this house that is not paying a price.  But my children do not yet have the rooted unshakable faith in our living God to be able to endure all of this without having some emotional effect.  And as I was crying out, feeling like I am hurting my children and wondering if this is really what is right, God reminded me what he asked of Abraham. 

I am carrying my entire family to the altar Lord.  I give it all.  We give it all.  We are walking out in faith what You have asked us to do, and out of obedience we are doing it.  Trusting with every single scrap of who we are that you are going to redeem it all.  Cover my children God.  Cover all of these children. Cover my marriage. Cover this home.