It's time to have 'the talk' aka my husband and I are idiots

So- while on my ever relaxing time away from family girls weekend- I managed to talk about my family like 80% of the time. What can I say, it's all I've got. That and a few random newsy things I learn when I power up internet explorer.

I mentioned that a few months back I got all cool mom and thought I would see if it was time to have 'the talk' with allyson. After completely hyperventalating and breathing in a bag while praying and sweating upon just thinking about talking to her about this, I casually say to her (while in the car so I can avoid eye contact) "So- what have you heard about s e x?"

She responded with a complete dumb look and said 'what?'

I felt like I'd walked in a landmine. I was thinking she'd probably heard something, and now I know she hasn't, but I brought it up and opened the door- that stupid stupid door and she's all what?

So I did what I had to do. I totally changed the subject and embraced the fact that she is still a baby and all she needs in this world is her bicycle and a cartoon and she's good.

As I explained this to the gals in my car- Terri turns around and as serious as the day is long looks me right in the eyes and says "And you believed her?" She has one child. I have three. And yet her wisdom is years beyond mine- she's obviously better at this parenting gig even though she is two shy of my clan. So- in addition to realizing that I am a moron- I thought maybe I should revisit the subject with Ally.

So, I brought up the subject again. But this time, when I asked her, her face was screaming 'oh I totally know something' while her mouth said 'nothing'. And I knew it was time to have the talk. Right there, right then. So I told her we would talk about it tomorrow- you know after I have time to look up every possible article about how to have this discussion with your own child without passing out.

But Dan said that he would put the two little ones to bed and come out and we could all talk about it for a few minutes.

Turns out, one of her friends shared some info with her. Being as mature as I am, I asked her if it totally freaked her out (it did me when one of my friends shared her wisdom). She said it did.

So we talked for a while about love, and commitment, and how that 'special hug' works. Boy parts. Girl parts. Where babies come from. Why she has periods and where her body stores it's eggs.

Wheh, glad that is over.

Yeahhhh- not yet. From my husbands mouth spews this fabulous bit of knowledge "Allyson- you may hear your friends talking about hookin up. Hookin up is when................................." If looks could kill- HE WOULD BE DEAD. I stared at him with my wide open eyes wishing beyond wishes that if any time in my life lasers could shoot from my eyes- that this would be the time. No dice.

I was not prepared to dump it all out there- especially not like that.

So I waited for him to finish and then explained that if she chose to partake in this fabulous physical expression of love prior to marriage- her hair would begin falling out until eventually she would be compeltely bald. So it's best to wait until she's married. And then I took another shot- because something had to curb the ever increasing rising blood pressure I was experiencing.

So- after we made it through that whole hookin up disaster mess, I asked her if she had any questions for us. And she did. Score one for us- the lines of communication are open.

'Can someone get pregnant without doing it?' My instant response- No. If someone is pregnant, they have had sex. Except for that whole Mary Jesus Immaculate Conception thing- and we retalked about that story for a moment and how surprised Joseph was when Mary was pregnant. And how she didn't loose her hair because technically she never partook of the S word.

But then it happened again. Wisdom began to spew from Dan's mouth. "Well- it is technically possible. See boys get around girls and they can get excited just by hugging you and then they- well- do you know what semen is? It is....................." I have no idea what he said after this as I just chugged the rest of the bottle and curled up in a ball in Allyson's lap.

But the outcome of the whole thing is that Allyson and I are both afraid to sit on public chairs- or hug boys- for fear of pregnancy.

Good one. We suck at this parenting thing.