A strange feeling

Dan's dad has been in the hospital since last Saturday.  At first, they thought it was pneumonia.  Then they thought it wasn't. 

And then they thought it was a staph infection, and then it only grew in one of their cultures, so then they thought it wasn't.  Which is good and bad- because although he doesn't have the actual Staph infection, it is there somewhere between the needle, his blood and the petry dish. 

Then they worried that the cancer was ravaging his bones.  But after a bone scan, they found it wasn't.

So then they worried about the tumors in his lungs, but after a CT scan, they decided they weren't the issue.

And today?  They still don't have a clue.  But they are sending more blood to other hospitals and calling an infectious disease doctor. 

He's running a low fever off and on.  His oxygen levels drop very low when he tries to move.  And he feels cruddy.

And I'm afraid.  I suppose it hit me yesterday that his body might not be able to fight hard enough for long enough- and what if this stupid disease wins?  What if it takes away the only grandfather that my children will ever remember?  What if this is the year that grief will settle back into our family?  What if Lew passing was just a way for the Lord to help my children begin to understand death, because He knew that Dan's dad was going to be next?  What if I never get to play cards and tease this man again?  What if he never asks me if I like seafood again in my life?  What if....................his end is almost here?

I have to push this from my mind.  I can't handle it today.  Thanks for letting me dump it all out here.