If I ignore it, will it go away?

August 15th is looming over my head like a big bad rain cloud full of darkness.

I keep shoving it out of my mind.  I won't go to the back to school section in the store.  I can't buy him a backpack yet.  But we have already progressed to the earlier bed time in preparation- because it's coming whether I'm ready or not.

For almost 12 years, I have not been alone. Almost at all.  I've had little people with me when I shopped, worked, cooked, heck even in my bathtub with me.  And the truth is, I have gotten so used to their company that the thought of being alone is scaring the heck out of me.

Last year I had to give up Emily to all day school.  After all, there is no half day first grade (but don't think I didn't petition for it).  I cried for WEEKS.  I would hold Sam and talk about Emily.  I was a mess.  A hot mess.  But I adjusted.............eventually.

And now I have to send Sam there.  How in the heck could it have been five years already???  How is that possible?  I keep thinking that if I ignore it, I will get another year with him before I have to send him.  Instead of in just eleven days. 

In looking for pictures of Lew, I ran across these.........

 Allyson's first day of third grade.  She was 9, Emi was 4 and Sam was 2.  It was a typical day.  Those two still in jammies wrapped up in blankies hanging outside while we waited for the bus.

 Well- kind of in jammies.

 Technically, these are emily's jammies (remember her swimsuit phase?  it was all she wore).

 Oh my.

I can feel my heart tightening.

I'm trying really hard to accept that this portion of my life is done.  Coming to a close.  No longer any preschoolers, no babies, no swim suit 4 year olds at the grocery, no little men with 349 cars on my deck.........just school age kids.  Big bad growing up so very very fast kids.

I am a wreck.  I have ALWAYS been so very thankful to get to stay home with these people.  God has been so very good to us to allow this in our lives.  Dan has always been so supportive.  The kids tolerated their less than perfect mother.  I will never never never regret getting to be home with them.  Mostly because on August 15, I have to send my very last little person away to Kindergarten and I will know that I couldn't have done a single thing to make it go any slower.

But I still think a call to his preschool teacher is in order.  It's not too late to hold him back another year and he could really use some more polishing on his abc's...............