You can thank me in advance.

Todays posting contains some very deep reflections- you are welcome.

Yesterday I was in need of some time for personal rejuvenation.  And nothing says quality me time like a trip to the dentist.  Before you judge- I DID NOT have another cavity.  No sir ree.  Just a broken filling.  Like a large gaping hole in my back tooth that ripped my tongue up like box knife.  So there it is.  Also, I was in need of a cleaning.  As my last one was in March.  Of 2009.

In my defense- the last time I was there they did this periodontal screening thing which basically amounted to treating my gums like a pin cushion 3000 times and I had sworn off the dentist for good.

Well- until that whole root canal thing.  Oh wait- I mean two root canals.  And that pesky gum tissue lasering thing.  And now this broken cavity. 

After some serious thought I decided that my whole 'no more dentist' thing wasn't really working- so I made my appointment.  I climbed in the chair and I exchanged pleasantries with the tooth tech gal. And then I leaned in and, ever so gently made full eye contact with her, and explained that she was under no circumstance to stab me with anything while barking out numbers.  My mouth- my rules.

She obliged- but did manage to carve out all of my gums and make me cry like a little baby.  Stab, scrape, stab, scrape. Wipe up blood. repeat. Then it was off to the big chair.

Stab me with a needle.  Chat chat chat.  Nothing.  Stab again with needle.  Chat chat chat.  Nothing.  Stab stab stab, nothing nothing nothing.  Drill, scream, stab, chat chat chat, drill, wince, stab, chat chat chat, just grab the chair arms while he drills and it hurts hurts hurts.  Old filling out.  New filling in.  Done.  Ahhhh.

Only one problem.  He noticed a cavity.  Biscuit Munchers!  I left the office without an appointment.  I just need a break- all this me time is really wearing me (and my checkbook) out.  Remember my two root canals- yeah, they still need crowns.  Uhg.  Turn of the year looks like I can schedule in a few hours of quality personal reflection while staring at the ceiling and inhaling tooth dust.

Really- why are there not televisions in the ceiling at the dentist anyway?

The point of this story is that this morning while looking through the paper, I noticed an ad.........

It was like he was mocking me.  With all his perfectly white and clean sparkly teeth.  Listen up Fido- you have it easy.  Chew on a stick and your teeth are perfect.  Bark at your bowl and someone fills it.  Poop in the yard and then go roll in it.  Curl up in the middle of the kitchen floor for a nap. Load of garbage.  Where is our stick?  Why is there not a dentastick for humans?  Especially for kids.  How easy would that be- just throw them a chewy cleaning thing and off they go.  Crap I tell you. It would beat the heck out of dragging them back to the bathroom every.single.night to rebrush their barely brushed pearly whites.

Which brings me to my next revelation.........

Emery Cat. 

Where is the justice in this?  First- they only offer these for cats.  Meanwhile- I get to wrestle my grunting beast around trying to saw off his blessed nails.  Not to mention my kids.  Who on earth enjoys chasing down wiggling children while trying to groom them?  Can there not be an Emery Kid?  Sure kids lack that natural desire to scratch- but perhaps with every 10 scratches a Skittle pops out.  Or- with my children- you could attach the scratching board to the other children- these seem to like to scratch each other. 

Poof- nail trimming problem solved.

(just to clarify- this is the beast- not a kid)

Or- just thinking out loud here- we just let them chew those bad boys off?  Whose rule is it really that they can't bite their nails?  I mean, sure, that is what I have taught them because that is what I was always taught- but if they freshly scrub up their hands prior to their chewing session, really what could it hurt?  And why not the toes?  I say if you are limber enough to put your foot into your mouth- power to the people.  Just scratch that 'thing to do' off my list.  And perhaps chomping on nails would clean their teeth?  Two for one!

And just a final thought here- because Dan and I disagree on it and I love airing out our dirty laundry. 

Who says children can't 'draw' in the condensation on the windows anyway?  Dan is forever barking at the kids to stop.  But really- why?  Why on earth would he even care?  He does not know even where we store the window cleaner- let alone share in the chore of actually washing them.  And typically he doesn't even notice a mess in the house unless he steps in it.

So where does this come from you ask.  His mother I'm sure.  I bet he was always told not to draw in the condensation on the windows.  I'm sure I was too.  But really- power to the people.  Draw away kiddos.  Have at it.  I'll wash them eventually and give you a fresh pallet.  Dan- cut it out, it really is okay.

Just get out in the garage and get to building that skittle popping Emery Kid contraption.  And while you're at it- make one for Lew too.