Everything you ever wanted to know about my ta tas- and some you didn't..........

So- over the weekend I found a lump in my breast. My mind ran to some pretty dark places over the next few days.

A trip to the doctor Monday confirmed there was, in fact, a lump. But thankfully my doctor has psychic fingers and after a while of feeling me up- she concluded that it was nothing to worry about. But it would buy me my first round trip ticket to- you guessed it- a mamogram.

This meant two things. I would need to find my 'nice' bra and shave my legs. Just in case, you know, I had to get nakie from the waist down for whatever reason. Uhg- this girl thing is tough!

Today was my lucky day. I fully planned to take my camera so that I could walk those of you who have not yet experienced the squisher an inside look. I obviously wouldn't have taken pictures of my actual boobage- just the machines and fancy gowns and such. You know, because I'm cool like that. But, in my scurry to make it to the appointment on time, I forgot my camera. You're welcome.

First and foremost- when you go to one of 'those' offices, expect everyone else in the waiting room to be older. I felt like a spring chicken, all in my 35ishness. Back to the story.........

Next I was asked if I was wearing deodorant. Apparently you don't wear deodorant to these places. But before figuring that out, I wondered if I was stinkin'. Thank goodness all she meant was that I would need a warmed wet clothe to wipe it off.

I was given a fancy little gowny shirt thing that wrapped around the front and tied. At least, I assume that is what it would have done on someone who is not, well, as endowed as I am. I got to sit in the waiting area holding it shut with my hands.

Speaking of the waiting area- a non stop loop DVD of breast cancery stuff. NOT what I wanted to be thinking about- I changed the channel (oh yes I did). Perhaps if I wasn't there with a lump for investigation it wouldn't have bothered me- but today, it made me cry. So off it went.

I have always heard about how much a mamogram 'hurts'. I don't think it hurt. Except the corner of the machine where the tech kept saying 'lean in to the edge'. Other than that- not much physical pain (imagine a blood pressure cuff wrapped around your boob- only flattened- no wait, don't imagine that). What was hurt was my self esteem. As I allowed a perfect stranger to man handle my breast while saying things like 'relax your shoulders' and 'keep your arm on the ledge'. I'm just grateful she wasn't the barbie that was assigned to do my ultrasound. It was quite humilitating.

I did in fact get tiny stickers with little metal balls stuck on my nipples. NIIIIIICCCCEEEEE. Kind of like a pastey- only much more clinical. I am considering them my prize, you know like when you go to the dentist and you get a free toothbrush.

Anyway- back to the girls. Obviously, she smashed them one at a time. First straight up and down. I just laid it on a little table thing and she mushed down this plastic plate thing. It was see through. Gross.

Then she did this fancy cocked thing, kind of at an angle. That was the unconfortable one as I tried to get 'myself' in there and hold on and lean and 'relax your shoulders, honey'.

And, I think just because I am larger than your average bear, I got to have a fancy shot with both on there at one time- the cleavage shot she called it. Whatever. More bang for my buck!

I found it funny that when she would get the plastic thing all pressed down and my breast was now looking like a large serving platter she would say 'don't move'. Uh, okay. Not like that was humanly possible at that point or anything.

I will choose this point to ask why there is not a sirogram machine? You know- that our hubbies would plop their pride and joy onto and let a vice mash it flat and then pump radiation into it? Just wondering.

So then barbie took me for an ultrasound to get more looks at my lumps. There is nothing like having an ultrasound done when the only ones you've ever had were when you were pregnant. No heartbeat, no little fingers, no organ counting. Nothing. Not a word. Nodda.

Barbie took my stuff to the doctor for review and came back to tell me that my lumps- I felt 1, could see 2 during the ultrasound, apparently there are 3, are cycsts and nothing to worry about. But, since I have them, I get to come back in 6 months.

Yeah me. Yeah me because I don't have to travel to the scary places I was trying to invision as part of our life, and Yeah me because I get to humiliate myself in front of complete strangers again in half a year.

So- mamogram in a nut shell:
No deodorant
Don't waste your time shaving your legs
Go ahead and think of some chit chat ahead of time to have with the tech who does your test, because trust me when the tech is wrestling around with your boobs in that little room your mind will go completely blank
It doesn't hurt- but leave your pride and self respect at home
It is important- so get one
Practice ahead of time by trying to shut your breast in the refrigerator door

Thank you God for not asking me to handle this right now.