Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I think I'm making fruit salad

Our new school year routine has us up and ready for action beginning at 6am.  Well, we're up anyway.  Some of you who are morning people (you know who you are) are all like pul-eeze.  Some of you who are accustomed to working full time (again- you know who I'm talking to) are rolling your eyes and telling me to suck it up.  Just hear me out.

The earliest we have had to get up is 8am.  7:30 if I have to take someone to school at 9am, but usually closer to 8.  With the exception of those 8am dental cleanings that I occassionally schedule- we don't get rolling here early at all.  And during the past summer, there was not a soul in this house that would wake up before 8:30 or 9am.  So this new 6am thing is painful.  Just sayin.

Determined to make the best of this 'new' life- I decided that I should make the best use of the hour between when Ally leaves for school and Emily has to get up for school.  This summer, while sleeping until mid morning, I determined that 7am is a great time for excercise.

Then when school began, I also determined it a great time to drink coffee, read blogs, watch the news, catch up on the Duggars, and see who was bringing home a new baby.  I have really enjoyed my whole hour to myself despite the fact that I would prefer to be sleeping.

Yesterday I called for new quotes on a different type of life insurance.  Nothing can remind you not only of your own mortality but your excessive out of shapenness and unhealthiness than answering that swaray of questions.

So today- I busted out the VHS tape, blew off the dust and decided it was time.  1 hour in the morning.  I can do that.

The woman on this tape is satan himself.  At least she is conspiring with him, if nothing else.  She even has 70 year old people doing these tricks as if they are nothing at all as I roll myself around the house trying to 'pelvic scoop' this and 'gentle steady movement' that.  Torture.  Sheer torture.  All the while she is talking about turning pears into peaches- referring to my hind end I think but I'm still confused about that.  Goodness- I haven't even seen pear in a few years- I've moved onto watermelon I'm afraid.  Or if there is a really really big bumpy fruit that is soft and giggly like jello- that is more my heiny.

But I was doing it.  Yeah me.  Until it was over, and I could no longer use my legs for anything and my arms were equally as useless.  I had to crawl down the hallway to Emily's room.  I've never been so thankful to reach a carpeted floor in my life.  I managed to collapse at the foot of her bed and muster the strength to say "Emily, time to wake up for school- and try not to step on me".  And there I remained for the next 20 minutes. 

I rolled back down the hallway into the kitchen.  If only I could reach the phone from my comfortable ball position on the floor.  I would have called 911.  I would have called Dan.  I would have called someone to get over here and help me hoist myself back into my bed.  If I were able to physcially hold my arm in the position necessary to use the phone, that is. 

Everything is heavy.  My legs, my arms, my earlobes- 173 pounds each.  I can not walk normal.  I am staggaring and swaying and bumping into walls.  But I'm upright- which is an accomplishment all in itself.  I'm going to have to manage to climb into the shower, but I really doubt I can lift my legs over the 3 inch threshold.  And then there is the problem of my underpants.  I am out of clean ones- with the exception of the load that I am THANKFUL I put in the washer prior to concentration camp.  But now there is the issue of getting them out of there and into the dryer.  That will require bending and stooping- neither of which will be possible for me again I am afraid.

I am lucky that I am able to type this.  The only reason that is possible is because I have used pillows to prop my arms into place and my fingers (thankfully) are unaffected by this mornings events.  This is my official SOS- someone please come help me put my legs into my pants if you have a spare minute today.  I might also need help brushing my hair as I'm sure my arms can't do that kind of action today.  If I can manage these things, I have to go to the bank and work.  But the car is parked clear out in the driveway instead of in the garage- and I'm not sure I'm up for that kind of walking right now.  Not to mention the step off of the porch.  I may need to have a ramp installed.

Day one down.  Do I look thinner yet?


Sharon said...

It has to be Callanetics!!! I just got out my tape last week and am determined to start it again. In reality, you will start to see incredible results within a week -- everything really does pull up and reshape. When Myrna, Lori and I did them every week it was incredible what happened. My favorite part was the bowl of ice cream we each had following the workout:)

I don't think I'll mention what happens tomorrow when when you try to get up off the John!!


Ronda said...

Good for you! Tomorrow will go better. And yes, you will do it tomorrow, too, because if you stop doing it and your freshly exercised muscles get stiff, the *real* pain will begin. Way to go, lady!\

And I'm going to agree with your mom. Best to call the doc to have a catheter installed.