Training for a marathon

So- there is a lot of talk lately about running marathons.  Apparently that is something that is done in November.  I'm not sure.  But that makes sense since (ha!  sense since- try to find another sentence that you can do that in) it is not 4000 degrees.  So November marathons it is.

By a lot of talk, I mean a friend from church ran in one this weekend and some friends in new york ran in their little thing they were having.  By friends, I mean absolute strangers whose blogs I read and they have NO idea who I am.  And by little thing, I mean the New York City Marathon- which is apparently a pretty big deal.  In my head, Joe from church ran in the new york city marathon- because I'm not even sure we were having one here. Unless it is that chase a turkey (or something equally as catchy) race that is on Thanksgiving.  But since that is in the future it probably wasn't that.

Anyway.

Here are my tips for running a successful marathon.

1. Bring your chapstick.  Somehow I envision gasping for air and cold wind and I just know you will thank me for this.  Perhaps you could put it on a string like a little necklace.
2.  Pack your iphone.  Because you are sooooo going to be wanting to facebook and now you can- while you are running.  Give me a break- you are a champion- you can do this.
3. Pedometer.  I'm not sure, but I think this would come in handy.
4. Slip a chocolate covered doughnut in your pocket.  You will get hungry and tired and I've heard you are supposed to 'carb up' and this aught to do the trick.
5. Aluminum foil- to wrap the doughnut in.  Otherwise you will just end up looking like you pooped your pants as your doughnut melts through your clothes.
6. Wear your secret roller shoes.  I can only imagine that 26 miles is pretty taxing, you could pop those rollies out and skate your way to victory. Although there are probably rules or something- so just be sure and pop them back in before crossing that finish line.
7. A fanny pack.  It's what all the cool runners are doing- and in there you can stow your doughnut, chapstick, iphone- and throw a napkin in for good measure, because you don't want your post marathon pictures to have chocolate on your teeth.  Perhaps some gum too.  Oh- and some of those small bottles of liquor like you get in a hotel or on an airplane.  They will come in very handy around mile 15 (or 1 if you are me).
8. People will spend months training.  They will practice running, building up endurance, blah blah blah.  Just a complete waste of energy in my opinion.  They are just showing off and sucking up every opportunity to gather the glory by being all 'i'm training for a marathon'.  How good are you going to be to run a freakin' marathon if you have wasted all your good get up and go running for nothing every day for months prior????  Plus- when you get up and 'practice' running- there are no crowds cheering, no Gatorade stands, no bands playing.  Complete waste in my opinion.  Save it for the big race.
9.  Tape your drivers license to your belly.  That way if you do loose consciousness, you will be easily identified.

That about sums it up.  And with all of my marathon running experience (as in none-but I have driven 26 miles and that counts), I'm sure you will find these tips very helpful.

You're welcome.