Ten

There was a time in my life when I couldn't remember back a time in years.  I remember when I was in my teenage years thinking 'ten years ago I was 6'.  I couldn't imagine being able to apply that type of measurement to time- it was moving so slowly.

And now it seems to go so very fast. 

In 10 short years I have raised a small baby into a preteen, birthed two additional children, moved homes, experienced life as an elementary school mom, sat in a waiting room while doctors removed cancer from my mothers body, cried as my brother moved his family several states away- and then rejoiced when he moved them back, shed tears of laughter and sorrow, mourned the loss of precious lives, been to several fabulous places on vacations, bought not one but TWO mini-vans, sat agast as the world trade towers fell, experienced our country at war, seen nephews and my niece graduate and grow into adults.  All in just ten short years.

All ten of them without my dad.  Ten short years ago today I sat in his hospital room as his heart stopped beating, I was holding his hand.  I wanted him so much to not die, but I knew it was going to happen.  I promised him I would take care of my mom, I told him to go, I tried to convince my heart it was okay. 

November always brings memories of him.  It's hard to shake the fact that he is gone most days- but November is especially hard.  Tomorrow another year will begin.  Another year that moves us a little farther from when he was here.  They are somewhat right- those who say time heals all wounds.  In many ways, I suppose the wounds of grief have changed.  I would say that, rather than heal.  Healing means something goes back to normal.  And that is far from the case.  But we have adjusted to a new normal I suppose.

There was a time that I couldn't begin to imagine how life would feel without him in in, and now I suppose time has moved us so far that the opposite rings true.  I can't imagine having him back- we've gone so long without him.

He would be proud of my mom.  She is taking control of herself and she is becoming stronger and better.  She has handled his passing with grace, but I can see that she is anxious for the day she gets to see him again.  We all are I suppose. He would never believe my sister and her kids and how big they are.  I bet he and Zach would really enjoy 'talking shop' about his new car.  I wonder if he would see his resemblance in Randy- and if he would still call my niece rachel-rachel.  And I just know he would have loved emi and sam.  Oh how he would have enjoyed them.  Sam would have so enjoyed hanging out with my dad. I hate that he never got to work in the garage with him. And I bet his little 'tookie bookie' would take his breath away- for she is becoming a woman. 

Ten whole years.  It kind of sucks the air right out of my lungs.