Thursday, September 10, 2009

The end of my era...........moving on to the next chapter

So I am noticing something strange. It has to do with my hair, and grey. I have yet to notice grey hairs in my actual hair though- one of the benefits of being kind of blond. I'm sure they are there, but they just don't show. So where are the grey hairs popping up? In my eyebrows.

The first time I noticed one I thought to myself "self- how strange is that- an all white hair. cool". The second time, it hit me. This was not a fluke, it was the grey hair sneaking in. Now I find them kind of regular, and of course I grab a hold of those bad boys and yank them out. Tell your friends to stay home mr. grey hairs- they won't stand a chance here! Until there are more grey than brown- I suppose then I will have a choice to make. Grey eyebrows or no eyebrows??? What's a girl to do.

I've never been one to worry about getting older. I considered by late 20's and 30's to be my prime. In fact, I always really looked forward to that age period. But right now, for some reason, I suppose I am having some anxiety about my age. Probably has to do with a conversation my husband and I had over the weekend.

He brought up getting a vasectomy- BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR. Now let's get this straight, I have more than likely birthed my last child. Sam is getting a bit more independent, we're dang near done with diapers (we're down to just at night time : ), meal time is becoming easier, all 3 are now in some form of school, and I get to sleep through the night almost every.single.night. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel (this laundry filled, dirty dish stacked, stained up carpet tunnel). Probably, for all sensible reasons, we are not having any more children.

But see- it's all I've ever really looked forward to me in life. Growing up and having babies. I have no plan for what comes after that. So to slam that giant iron door shut with something so permanent, like a vasectomy, it just way way way more than I can embrace right now.

So I mentioned to Dan that although we will probably will never bring forth a new life through this womb, that I wasn't ready to take such a huge and final step. To which he responded "Mynde, you will be 35 this year"- just like that- like it was the end of my youth coming to a rapid head. It had never occurred to me before that I ever will be too old to have another baby. But in his mind- I suppose I already am.

I couldn't help but to weep the entire rest of the day. Butt head husband and his hurtful conversation.

So I wonder what will become of me. My grey eyebrow having, aging womb, on the verge of 35 self. What will I do with the rest of my life- now that my entire life goal has been reached? Not that I don't look forward to raising these youngins we've been blessed with and seeing where their life will land them. I realize that the world is not coming to an end, and that my job here is not done (after all- who would fill out all the school forms?). I just wonder what my next goal will be, that's all. Seriously- all I ever wanted to do was grow up and have babies (besides that whole singing waitress school teacher thing, that never came to fruition). And now I've had three, and probably will not have another, now what? Pottery, knitting, some kind of club, saving the planet? Time will tell. I just have to find a way to embrace it.

Is this a midlife crisis????????? If so- tell me now. I could go for a two seater convertible!

1 comment:

Ronda said...

If you're having a mid-life crisis, I am too. Convertibles all around!!