I almost wrote about something this morning- but I changed my mind. It was a decision that Dan and I had to make. One that would only be right for our family. It won't apply to others families and what they would choose. So I decided not to.
Allyson has had a little boy who has been sweet on her since second grade. For over four years now these two have called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. We've talked about them being too young, forbid it, unforbid it (that doesn't work by the way), discussed modesty. It hasn't changed that these two really seem drawn to each other. And have for years.
A few weeks ago, his mom called me to ask if it would be okay if Jaylen bought Allyson a Christmas present. She also was wondering if maybe the two of them could hang out for a couple of hours, play video games or basketball. Instantly I was torn. I don't want either of them to think that we would EVER encourage them to 'date'- but seriously, would it hurt to play some basketball? I told her I would like to invite them both over for dinner, I would get back to her once I talked to Dan.
And then I never called her back.
Christmas was busy and there was no time, and I just didn't. But this week, she has been so very heavy on my mind. Yesterday when the phone rang, it was her. And I told her I couldn't stop thinking about her and that I was sorry for not returning her call sooner. And that I was also sorry I never dropped off the Christmas cookies I had for them. She asked again about having Ally over for an hour so that they could visit. Again I told her I needed to talk to Dan and I'd call her back.
See? I was going to blog about whether or not to let Allyson and Jaylen spend time together out of school. But I decided not to. Because Dan and I needed to come to our own decision.
This morning, Dan and I discussed it and I asked him to please call her back this morning while I was at work. We'd basically decided that maybe he could come over here for a little bit. But that it wasn't going to become anything regular. And it was to stay as friends- they are just 12 afterall. And so he called. Only to find out that she died last night, unexpectedly, out of the blue. She died. This woman who is my age with children and was just talking to me on the phone yesterday died.
Just like that.
And now my heart is breaking for a young man- so far from being a man but so very far from being a boy- that is now alone in this world without his mom. And due to circumstances, he is without his dad and always has been. I can still feel my heart quivering every time I think about it. It is unimaginable.
I think back to the conversation I had a few weeks ago. His mother and I got to talk for a good long while. She expressed concern over Jaylen feeling like we hate him. I tried to explain that it was because he was a boy chasing our daughter (nothing personal) that made us apprehensive of him- she seemed to understand. God, I hope she understood. I just don't think I could ever forgive myself if she didn't understand. I never meant to judge her or her son, I only wanted to protect my daughter. I worried about her lifestyle, but after talking with her she seemed to be a good woman. One that I was really looking forward to chatting with over dinner. She had faith, morals and a true love of her boys.
If I could call her back today, I would tell her what a fine young man she is raising. And that together we can monitor the children and not allow them to grow up into any situations too fast. And I'd offer to have her over and serve her the casserole I'm dropping off at her moms house instead. And I'd want her to know that I think there is a lot I could learn from her as a mother. She seemed to be a deep and inspirational woman who had a deep bond with her pre-teen son, which is an accomplishment these days. I know I struggle to find an in with Allyson.
As I hugged her son this afternoon, he started to pull away. And I swear I heard a voice say 'hold him tighter', and I did, and he collapsed into my arms. And we both cried. I held him as a mother would. As his mother would, but she can't any longer.
Please pray for this young man. He has a long horrible road of grief ahead of him. He is outside playing basketball with Allyson. He's been here all afternoon. He seems almost as though he doesn't want to go back home. And I guess I understand, because at home he will have to face the grief of his mother being gone. I hope his soul felt a tiny bit of relief being here today. I pray God will give him peace tonight.