Saturday, May 21, 2011

My house of cards

You know how on a gorgeous sunny day you catch a sniff of something, in a passing breeze, and instantly you just know.  The rain is coming.  You can smell it.

I've had a similar past month.  Somehow my soul was preparing, knowing that 'something' was coming.  I began a mental review about how nicely things have been traveling along in my corner of the world, how safe and healthy and 'plain' our lives have been.  And just like that- I could smell the rain.  Almost like God was telling me to prepare my heart, for the storm was brewing.

I am not whining, nor complaining.  We all have rain.  It's part of life, and it's how God molds and forms us.  I'm not above it- and I am able to see the blessings in even the worst of situations.  I really am.  But it doesn't change the fact that my heart feels heavy, my sould feels worn, my emotions feel tapped out.  I feel sad.


On the day that we were preparing ourselves to attend the calling for Mr. Mike, we got a phone call from Dan's parents.  The cancer, the one that I really thought he had fought and won, was in fact still there.  Growing, spreading, now living in his lungs.  More than one spot- seven.  Seven whole spots of that damn his lungs.  He's already compeleted two of the six rounds of chemotherapy.  Chemotherapy that they have said is not to conquer, just to slow down.  Damn.

This time the chemo is supposed to make him violently ill, he will loose his hair, he will feel like death- but will be forced to continue.  Because we need him to.  He is afraid, he is scared, but he is finding a faith in God so that is the positive that I see.  For the first time since I've known him- I see him turning his face to the Lord and truly seeing Him.  I pray that soon he finds His peace- to help wipe away the fear.


The Tuesday before the air show (so just last week) my sisters home caught on fire.  It was an accident, it was scary, it was in the middle of the night while they were all sleeping, and it was very real.  It was the hand of God that got them all out safe- and that continues to follow and bless my sister and her children, who are now without a home.  Their 'things' are burned and what is left has a strong smell of melted plastic.  They are without a place to live.  They have joined my mom at her house- which is proving to be fairly taxing on them all.  It is going to be a long road for them to move, replace all that was destroyed and start over.  But they survived, and continue to do so.  And all that burned stuff, is in fact, just stuff.  And we can get more.  God delivered them all out of that fire unharmed, and that is a blessing.


This week we found out that Dan's mom is going to have to have a procedure done on her heart in a couple of weeks.  It keeps getting 'out of rhythm'.  Twice they have put her to sleep and shocked it back into natural rhythm, and then it somehow slips back into it's own thumpity thump.  This is wearing on a heart, and a body- and explains why this vibrant woman has been so very tired.  The next step?  Well, they are going to thread something through her veins and into her heart where they will burn nerves.  They said there is a 70-80% chance it will solve this problem.  But wowzers that sounds pretty serious and scary to me.  And I am afraid.  But comforted by a strange peace that comes only from God.  I know he loves me- and her- and will be holding the hand of the surgeon the whole time.


More often these days I just find myself praying for peace and comfort for those I love.  For it seems that so many are going through such awefulness.  And I simply have nothing to offer, no way to fix anything, no way to try and help make it better.  So I just keep praying- knowing that God has a hand in everything, hears every single word I say, and captures my tears in a bottle- and loves me and all of these people so very much.  So I pray to Him.  Many times I am not even sure what to pray for, because I know He knows what is best.  So basically I just ask for His peace for those I love.  Please God, give their hearts peace.

So- if you have noticed that things aren't as funny, as light, as humorous here- we'll they just aren't right now.  But they will be again, just give me a minute to digest everything, bake a few casseroles and pray a little more.  Then I'll be able to share our stupid stories again.


khalid's blog said...

please visit
thank you

Sarah said...

Just want you to know that we'll be adding these to our prayer list and that we are sending hugs your way.