Moments

I'm currently participating in a bible study.  Everyday there is a workbook that has items I read, study and respond to at home and then once a week the group gathers together to watch a video and have discussion.

In this weeks video- the lady talked about newsworthy moments.  History making things occur that will forever be written.  And the moment 'just before'.

Sometimes these historical things are really just personal items that happen and then you personally are changed.  Your history is written.  It is forever recorded and from then on something is different.  We've all had them- either something that was completely out of our control or something that we chose and then received the reaction of said 'thing'.  It was a profound thought- thinking about the moment 'just before'.  In the study- she was obviously discussing the things we have control over and can lift to God BEFORE we make our action/decision.  But today, I'm thinking about the things not in our control.

Like the moment just before I found out yesterday that my father in law has cancer growing in his brain. This whole thing for him has been such a bitch of a battle.  Cancer was found in his throat a few years ago- and we knew then that the outcome was probably not going to be perfect because treatment for that kind of cancer is pure hell.  And then it spread into his lungs.  Which was kind of expected for it to spread somewhere because those nasty little asshole cancer cells were already in his lymph glands.  But he's done the dag gone chemo, and all the radiation treatments, and he's on maintenance stuff, and he's taken trial drugs.  He's fought that stupid beast.  And although being cancer free is not something that is going to be in his world, things were looking okay.  The shit stopped growing and the doctor said he could live like this for years. 

They (my mother and father in law) left for a cruise last month.  I spent the whole week rejoicing and thanking God for that opportunity for them.  For them to get to go and have this magical week, after such a hard year and years prior.  What we didn't realize was how very ill my father in law had become once on the boat.  To the point, in fact, that the doctor on the boat encouraged them to get off in a foreign tropical paradise and seek medical attention.  The doctor was scared of what he saw happening.  And so was my mother in law.  I can only imagine how my father in law felt.  But they stayed on the ship and made it back home.  Because heading to a foreign hospital?  That's pretty scary stuff.  Then they would have been stranded there trying to make plane reservations to come back home.

Once home, for two weeks, they have visited his various doctors.  It seemed like he'd had a stroke.  But the cancer doctor said he thought it had moved to his bones.  So they performed a full body scan.  And it hadn't.  And, foolishly, we celebrated a victory.  Still not knowing what was wrong, we celebrated.  Like the asshole fools we are.

This week things got worse and his body, at least half of it, wasn't functioning well.  At all.  It was horrific to see him like that. So the doctor ordered an MRI.  Now in my head I am blaming all of this on that stupid doctor who never ordered it before- even though it seemed like the man was having strokes.  Would it have changed a thing?  It really wouldn't have.  I just want to be mad, and that doctor seems like the one to be mad at.

So my moment, the one that was 'just before', was already not a fairy tail. Things have already been difficult.  But yesterdays 'just before' moment was in the car at the orthodontist with a van full of kids.  And I had to hold my shit together like I knew how to for over two hours while tears kept welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lids with little faces wondering what on earth was wrong.  After a whole day of that- I was short of patience and energy last night and I seemed to be snapping at everyone.

I could just scream.  But what is the use?  My father in law, the only grandpa my children remember and such a beautiful member of our family, is being eaten alive with cancer and I am pissed.  Because it's a sucky way to see his life end.  Because if the treatments they are working on are successfull, he probably still won't live through the year.  Because he is afraid because his walk with Jesus has been very small.  Because he has no peace because he is so afraid.  Because going to their house and NOT playing sheep head and whining when I get stuck being his partner is going to be harder than anything I can handle.  Because there are people who have lost their loved ones much younger to this bitch cancer and that isn't fair either.  And because his last moments on this earth aren't going to be pretty ones.

Is it fair to say, selfishly (and that is what I am being right now here on this blog post, is selfish because if I don't get this out of my system I'm going to explode) that I can't do this.  I can't handle it.  I swear I can't.  But what good does THAT do- because we don't get a choice.  It's already been decided. It's happening.  Within the hour of learning the diagnosis he was admitted to the hospital to start treatments.

I was trying to do my daily assignment yesterday and in the middle I just stopped and cried and prayed.  But I don't even know what to pray for. And when I was finished, I looked back to my study and the next item was a bible verse I was to look up:

Philippians 4:4  Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERY SITUATION, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

And somehow I knew that it was exactly what I needed, right at that moment.  All I keep praying for is for Gods peace to overflow in them.  For them to receive that comfort.  That peace.

The night before, when the insurance agent was here, remember?  We purchased a cancer protection policy.  I'm just not sure what to make of all of this- but I can say that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  But I still don't want to.

Thanks for reading, listening, letting me vent.  And for accepting the bad words this day- because I just can't find anything to replace them with this time.  This is a difficult point in my life and somehow writing is my outlet.  And apparently cursing.