A perfect Dozen

 Over the weekend, Allyson turned 12. As in years old. Which still makes me clutch my stomach and shake uncontrollably. Because she is the baby. My first baby.  And she changed my entire life.



 She led me to God.  Straight up.  Before her, I knew there was a God and Jesus was his son and blah blah blah- and that is just how it was in my head.  But the minute she began growing in my tummy, I just knew I had to know more.  I had to meet Him.  Know Him.  Find Him. 

 For He had given me a gift that I didn't even realize would be the entire purpose for the rest of my life.  He had led me down the path to deliver me to Him, and I didn't even realize it. And every day, I wanted to serve Him by raising this gift in His name.

 And on most days, I fall very short.  But thank you God, she doesn't seem to notice most of the time.

 But lately, I feel so very lost in trying to even connect to this child.  I can do her physical needs, but emotionally I miss her so very much.

 This year- between the 11th and 12th candles- she has changed and grown so fast that I want to strap her to something just so it will all slow down.  She is funny and whitty, caring and compassionate, forgiving and loving.........and at the snap of a finger she can be emotional and snippy, sarcastic and rude.  She's looking for herself.  And I want to help her, but she wants so very little to do with me most of the time.

 In true celebration style- we had a slumber party.  Dinner out for pizza, crazy song singing, t-shirt tie dying, laughing, movies, and an entire basket of left over items forgotten at our house.

 And now that the actual anniversary of her birth has past, I feel this unshakable pressure to hurry and finish with what morals and lessons I want to try and cram into her.  I'm not sure why the hurry- but it seems she is slipping further and further (emotionally anyway) away and I must be quick in making sure she has HEARD everything I want her to hear.  Only problem is......she doesn't seem to be wanting to listen.

And I know this is crazy talk- because she is just 12 for crying out loud.  So far from fleeing the nest and joining the circus- but the time is coming so quickly where she is quickly influenced by friends, having opportunities to be with them more than not, private phone calls, boys sending flowers on  her birthday (gasp).............she is blossoming and I worry.  I just do.

So I will share here my words for her as she turns 12:

Sweet Allyson, know your God.  Listen to His words, study His lessons.  Follow your heart, listen to the little voice in your head.  Unless it is leading you in the wrong place- in that case, listen to the OTHER one.  You are a child of God, and you will make mistakes, and you will have sin.  We will still love you.  And so will the Lord.  Please tell me that somewhere inside you like that I love you and that you are only pretending to be a little snot because you think it is what you are supposed to do.  And, by the way, stop being a snot.  Don't follow.  Lead.  Make choices for what you know is right.  Understand that we can't do what everyone else is doing, because that is just not what the Gobles do.  Brush your teeth and for crying out loud put on some deodorant.......every day.  Know that you are beautiful- but not because of your body.  But because of your spirit.  And let that spirit shine- because nothing in the world can make a person any more breathtakingly gorgeous.  Don't judge.  Don't worry.  Don't question your life.  Just live it- walking in the steps the Lord has chosen for you. Listen to the lessons you are being taught.  Open your heart and really hear them.  Be respectful.  Be kind.  Be confident in who you are.  Because you are really great.  Take time every day to listen for the voice of God.  Be modest.  Be quiet.  Be respectful.  Be kind.  Be happy. And for crying out loud, be careful.  And know that your Dad and I love you so very very much.  And that we are new to this too, and we're doing our best.