Broken

The only word I can think of to describe myself is broken. 

Second runners up?  Tired, defeated, discouraged, hurt, disappointed, but broken seems to fit the best.  What a mangled mess of a few weeks we've had- and it has all just about sucked the life right from me.

And to top it off, I can not get my children healthy.  At all.  It has been one cough or runny nose, sore throat or hurting ears after another for weeks.  Months it feels.  And I am so very tired of running back and forth to the doctor and pharmacy.  Of scrubbing bathrooms more frequently, changing handtowels twice as much, and buying toothbrushes. 

I can not for the life of me figure out why I can't get these people healthy. 

And late Friday night, when Allyson complained of ear pain.  I did the unthinkable.  I started her on an antibiotic.  Without going to the doctor.  I know.  What the hell was I thinking.  It's just that I had an ENTIRE bottle of antibiotic in the cabinet for her from an error a couple of months ago.  Our doctor and the minute clinic gal phoned in the same prescription- I was the schlumph who got stuck paying for both.  And so I decided that it was what the minute clinic people would do anyway- and so I gave it to her.

And now I feel like a real rule breaker, hiding over here with my contra-ban amoxicyllin, hoping the feds don't come rolling up in my drive to take me away.  And today- she isn't much better, and I would like to take her to the doctor.  You know, the REAL one (unlike my self appointed doctoring self).  But I can't. 
Because then I'd have to point out that I am a horrible mother who gave her child a prescription drug without instruction.

So I let her convince me to send her to school.  Even though her lungs are junky.  One more day.  I will give her one more day before I turn myself in.

Yeah- broken.  That about sums my mood up.