Monday, November 21, 2011

I am a woman

I am a woman who cries easily.  All I have to do is think about someones pain, and I can feel the tears welling up.  I always have been this way.  I'm not sure I ever won't be.

I tend to worry about what others think of me.  I'm not sure why- but I do.  I am trying to focus all of this wasted energy on God and what He thinks of me, but so far it is only working a little.

Sometimes I feel alone, like there is not a soul on the planet who gives a whirl one way or the other.  Things have been increasingly like this for me lately, and I then too try to focus on God and the knowledge that He is always with me, and love mes, and really that is all that matters.

I have a scar on my knee from a fall from my bike as a kid.  I also have two scars on my belly from two little surgeries here or there.  And then I have a nice long scar at the very bottom of my tummy where my babies entered the world.  I don't guess I mind them much.

I get hurt feelings.  And I don't mend well from them.  This is a very selfish part of myself, I know.  I'm working on it.  The hardest part for me is to have someone hurt my feelings and then not seem to care that they did so.  I always wonder why I am so unimportant to them that they wouldn't even care, especially when they are someone I love. 

I wish I didn't care quite so much sometimes.

I allow myself to become overwhelmed by things to do.  Simply knowing that I have a lot to do, even if I have a plan for doing it, sometimes makes my hear whirr.  And yet- there are still more things that I want to do so I just add them to the mix and hope for the best.  Sometimes that means I have to get up extra early to make an extra casserole or work on a project.  I suppose there are worse ways to spend time.

I get distracted sometimes when I pray and I will find myself thinking about things (mainly things I have to do) while trying to pray.  That is when I know I need to refocus.

I pray like 300 times a day.  Sometimes a little thank you or praise here or there is more doable for me- I tend to believe that God hears me regardless of how long they are.

I put a lot of energy into friendships.  Sometimes though I find that I don't put enough.  It's a difficult balance.  I suppose I'm learning that the friendships that are the most special are the ones that don't expect a lot from me and they love me anyway.

I am indecisive.  At least I think I am.  I'm not sure.

I have a husband whom I still find it unbelievable picked me to spend his life with.  I wish I wasn't so short of patience sometimes and would let him see the side of me that he fell in love with.  But life seems to be a bit too much and I let it overwhelm me- and so I just grump along my day forgetting to enjoy it.  And he still loves me.

I would love to have just one more baby.  But I'm probably too tired for that.

I think sometimes that I am intuitive, but I don't trust myself enough to go with it.  So I talk to much trying to figure out if my thoughts or feelings are correct.  This is not something I like about me.

I love with every ounce of who I am.

I am overweight.  It is part of who I am right now in my life.  I hope someday it is part of my past.

I'm not good at going first.  I prefer someone else do that, then I'll go.  This includes putting down walls.  I guess I worry about exposing myself and being hurt.  This is not a good quality.  It goes along with worrying about what people think of me.

I hate to clean the shower.

I am no longer a young mom, nor a mother of  young children.  I'm heading to that middle aged thing- and I hope I develope the confidence that I've always envisioned comes with it.

There you have it.  Me, in a nutshell.  I am the woman that God created me to be, and I hope that I continue to grow and change as my life progresses.  Although change is hard for me, and tends to bring me to my knees when it involves things that I wasn't prepared for.  But I will try to embrace it and see what God's plan is for me and my world.

But until then- I will cry a little more and mourn the loss of the 'normal' things that I loved.


Dan said...

You are a woman in high demand. God, family, friends, work, activities....etc. All of us have come to count on you and we love you just the way you are, even if it changes suddenly in anger... those who truly love you as I do understand and accept you for who you are and recognize that we are blessed to have you in our lives.

Anonymous said...

You are:
Beautiful from the inside out
Has a heart of Gold
A person who puts everyone elses need ahead of her own
Will do anything for a friend....or a stranger
A woman of God
A FANTASTIC mom and wife whom I watch and hope that I allow myself to get half as involved as you
Willing to dive into anything head first if needed
ALWAYS thinking of others and ways to help
Will be there for anyone, anytime, any place if there is anyway you can

Anyone whose life is lucky enough to cross into your path is a blessed person indeed.

Mynde said...

Wow. Now I am a woman crying again.