I am a woman

I am a woman who cries easily.  All I have to do is think about someones pain, and I can feel the tears welling up.  I always have been this way.  I'm not sure I ever won't be.

I tend to worry about what others think of me.  I'm not sure why- but I do.  I am trying to focus all of this wasted energy on God and what He thinks of me, but so far it is only working a little.

Sometimes I feel alone, like there is not a soul on the planet who gives a whirl one way or the other.  Things have been increasingly like this for me lately, and I then too try to focus on God and the knowledge that He is always with me, and love mes, and really that is all that matters.

I have a scar on my knee from a fall from my bike as a kid.  I also have two scars on my belly from two little surgeries here or there.  And then I have a nice long scar at the very bottom of my tummy where my babies entered the world.  I don't guess I mind them much.

I get hurt feelings.  And I don't mend well from them.  This is a very selfish part of myself, I know.  I'm working on it.  The hardest part for me is to have someone hurt my feelings and then not seem to care that they did so.  I always wonder why I am so unimportant to them that they wouldn't even care, especially when they are someone I love. 

I wish I didn't care quite so much sometimes.

I allow myself to become overwhelmed by things to do.  Simply knowing that I have a lot to do, even if I have a plan for doing it, sometimes makes my hear whirr.  And yet- there are still more things that I want to do so I just add them to the mix and hope for the best.  Sometimes that means I have to get up extra early to make an extra casserole or work on a project.  I suppose there are worse ways to spend time.

I get distracted sometimes when I pray and I will find myself thinking about things (mainly things I have to do) while trying to pray.  That is when I know I need to refocus.

I pray like 300 times a day.  Sometimes a little thank you or praise here or there is more doable for me- I tend to believe that God hears me regardless of how long they are.

I put a lot of energy into friendships.  Sometimes though I find that I don't put enough.  It's a difficult balance.  I suppose I'm learning that the friendships that are the most special are the ones that don't expect a lot from me and they love me anyway.

I am indecisive.  At least I think I am.  I'm not sure.

I have a husband whom I still find it unbelievable picked me to spend his life with.  I wish I wasn't so short of patience sometimes and would let him see the side of me that he fell in love with.  But life seems to be a bit too much and I let it overwhelm me- and so I just grump along my day forgetting to enjoy it.  And he still loves me.

I would love to have just one more baby.  But I'm probably too tired for that.

I think sometimes that I am intuitive, but I don't trust myself enough to go with it.  So I talk to much trying to figure out if my thoughts or feelings are correct.  This is not something I like about me.

I love with every ounce of who I am.

I am overweight.  It is part of who I am right now in my life.  I hope someday it is part of my past.

I'm not good at going first.  I prefer someone else do that, then I'll go.  This includes putting down walls.  I guess I worry about exposing myself and being hurt.  This is not a good quality.  It goes along with worrying about what people think of me.

I hate to clean the shower.

I am no longer a young mom, nor a mother of  young children.  I'm heading to that middle aged thing- and I hope I develope the confidence that I've always envisioned comes with it.

There you have it.  Me, in a nutshell.  I am the woman that God created me to be, and I hope that I continue to grow and change as my life progresses.  Although change is hard for me, and tends to bring me to my knees when it involves things that I wasn't prepared for.  But I will try to embrace it and see what God's plan is for me and my world.

But until then- I will cry a little more and mourn the loss of the 'normal' things that I loved.