Wednesday, July 4, 2012

A gentle washing of the funkiness

You know that feeling that makes you feel like the weight of the world is crushing your spirit? 
Like everything is just too much and you would rather curl up in a hole than even try to get dressed and keep going?
Like the slighted mention of even a broken cookie brings you to tears and you sob until your eyes burn?
That's kind of where I've been.
I know that Dan and the kids don't understand, even I don't understand.
The past few months have been a struggle.  There has been death all around me. And just loss in general.  It just seems like everything has kind of been shaken up. 
And I'm just tired.
Tired of running.  Tired of working all the time (phew- glad that is over for the next year). Tired of always having something that needs my attention- none of which are things I love giving my attention to (dust balls, messy drawers, out of control laundry, dirty cars, weedy flower beds, dirty carpets).

Last weekend, some friends invited us out for the afternoon to their home. 
And it turned out to be just what my soul was in need of.

It was no doubt one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, and yet so very simple.  The kids rode on various fast four wheeled contraptions, chose from buckets of various sparklers to enjoy, played with a donkey, chased geese and chickens, ate yummy food stored in bowls of ice and laughed and giggled with tons of other kids.

And at the end of the night we all sat on benches surrounded by colorful tiki torches and watched a 2 hour firework show over their pond.  The teenagers in charge of lighting them all did a great job with timing and not catching themselves on fire.  And we all enjoyed just enjoying.

I suppose someday the 'funny' will come back into my spirit.  But for now it is not there.  Sometimes I think people assume that because I laugh and joke most of the time, that I am frivilous or not a deep spirit......but I am.  And I do have feelings.  And I do have important thoughts.  And I do have more to me than just joking around all the time.  I just enjoy the fun too.  I'm trying hard to develope a sense of 'value' of myself.  It's slow coming, that's for sure.  But I also think that might be a 'gift' that God gives to some of us, a sort of humbleness in not thinking of yourself important.  So there is that too. But it sure does make it hard when people go out of their way to hurt you, or point out your flaws, or shower their meaness in my direction.

Wow- what a downer.  Perhaps I will crack open one of my wine slushies a little early today and try to shake this funk!

Happy Fourth of July- try not to blow anything of importance up today : )


The Smiling Mommy said...

Happy 4th! I just wanted to send you some love, and let you know how I can understand your feelings! It is so easy I think for us to get lost in life sometimes. I have had the darkest days where I felt so meaningless, and that I was not going in the direction I felt I needed to be. Just keep on keepin on pretty girl, and you'll get there. I completely understand, and relate, you are not alone! Smiles and good cheer your way! ps. I am always here to listen if you ever want to vent. I know we are only just getting acquainted, but I would be happy to give you my email address some day if you'd like to chat! Just wanted to put that out there as well. Smiles! Amy

Sabrina said...

I get what you mean. I am a mother of two grown boys "men" now and they still need me. My mother needs me, my church needs me, and the list goes on at times. I have dealt with a lot of death and bad news on the health front and quite frankly it sucks. God has His plan and sometimes we have to go through our struggles to get where God wants us. I love your blog btw :) Take care and God bless!

Mynde said...

Ladies- you have no idea how these two comments have encouraged me. Thank you so much!