Dear Emily

My new fangled phone has so many cool things it does.  One- just one- of them is a notes section.  You can open up a 'note' and type in a grocery list, phone number, special instruction, martini recipe........whatever your heart desires.

My children really like to use this feature- which is fine by me.

In fact, in my phone right now is a note Emily wrote to herself in March (I did not correct her spelling- because someday she will spell everything right and I will need this here to remember when she was younger):

Dear Emily,
I like you because you are me and I like me just the way I am.  Because God made me special and the bible tells me so.  I like me, my mom, dad, brother and my sister just the way we are.  Because their my family and I love them and care about them.  I am myself and thats who I want to be for the rest of my life.  And my family does too.  Let us prey. Dear heavenly father, we come to you today and we lift up to you today Zachy as he continues his jurney in the army, Rosie as she recovers from surgery, and our family as we go on our jurney.  In your name we prey. Amen.

Love Always,
Emily


Dear Emily,
Thank you.
Love always,
Mom

My little darling

I would be lying if I said I thought this wasn't going to be hard.  I really thought this was going to be easier.  I mean I was MADE for this.  Or so I thought.

There are days all I can do are pray for direction and try to keep from loosing my cool.

Turns out, the easiest part of parenting is newborn stage.  Sure, you don't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time for a whole year and you sacrifice your perky boobs for milk dripping saggy ones (that never recuperate), but that little darling thinks you are its world- and you are- and it's all roses and soggy shirts covered with leaky milk, spit up and dribbled poo.  Good times people.

Because THIS stage?  I'm truly struggling.  She's becoming independent, having opportunities to make her own decisions, I'm questioning the tools I have equipped her with, she is fighting back.  It's more than I can handle I'm afraid.

This weeks battle?  Low cut tank tops and PG-13 movies.  I can not for the life of me make her understand that her chest has grown and now the same tank tops that she has been wearing for EVER are now not okay.  Now, they are a bit too low cut and revealing. Despite my discussions about modesty and covering her body, she always just rolls her eyes and treats me as though I am some prude.

As though everything I say means nothing.  Which might be my fault a little because somehow in my parenting geniousness I thought she would be easier to handle if I made light of my decisions for her and just joked around about being overwhelmed with her asking for more grown up things.

So now she thinks I am stupid.  Great.  Not the arsenal I need packed for this parenting gig, I tell ya.

I keep thinking that I have terribly wronged her, because she is not at all reserved or shy or gentle about her ways.  But I am realizing that it is just more of who she is, who God made her.  But I still need to teach her modesty, self respect, gentleness..........and she is not wanting to hear from me.  Which makes teaching her oh so fun.

And PG13 movies?  Some of them are okay for her to watch.  Some of them are not.  I refuse to allow my children to fill their heads with pot smoking cursing hillbillies who have the morals of a kumquat.  And because I'm the parent, then I get to choose.  If I hear 'but blah-blah-blah's parents let THEM watch it' ONE MORE TIME I'm going to personally slit my wrists with a DVD.

And because basically most shows on cable are crap, and she is DRAWN TO THEM, we decided to shut off the cable.  She has been obsessed with the tattoo shows and now some hillbilly car reposessing show- which you can imagine just glorifies all of the horrible traits in people (the ones who haven't paid for their cars and now are half naked cussing up a storm when the bank tries to take them back).  So all week, I've been waiting for the cable to actually shut off- only to find out that it's as shut off as they can make it.  Apparently there is no cable program with just the local stations anymore.  FAB-U-LOUS!  Now we have to buy and antenae and a converter thing that I don't know anything about and try to figure out how to keep the crap we don't want out of our house.

I feel like the Devil has 100% access to my house.

What I am getting at is that I have this vibrant, resiliant, independant young woman who I just know is going to grow up and be something wonderful.  She has joy, and skill, and a great sense of humor that I am certain will get her far.  If I can just help her to develop into a young woman who respects herself for what she is, develope a respect and love for the Lord, and learn to respect adults as adults........I think she will do great things.  But if she keeps being disrespectful and horrible- I'm going to stuff her in the hall closet and hope for the best.

Mothers have 'the gift'

Picture it- my back yard.  My mother has come for a visit.  We are on the back deck, children playing on the swing set barking out 'Mamaw- watch this' every 42 seconds (give or take).  My mother and I are chatting about my poor placement of my garden and how she is going to just do it herself next year so it will be 'right'.  Her attention moves to my flower bed.

Mom:  So thats a beautiful bird bath.
Me:  Thanks, I just love it.  I found it at a garage sale of all the crazy places.
Mom:  Really?  It's just so beautiful.
Me:  Yes- but the top is broken off.  But it still works and is pretty.
Mom:  Yes, it sure is pretty.
Mom:  So........where are you going to put it?

Only a mother can give and take back a compliment like that.

The art of watering

There are definate rules to watering a garden.  Especially when you live in the Mid-West and are experiencing a huge draught.  But that is neither here nor there I suppose.  Because the plants, they need the water regardless. 

But you can not wait until the sun is beating down on them.  Although I'm certain they are dry and thirsty and in need of water- you can't water them then.  You must wait until they are through the worst of the heat, until the sun rays are not longer burning directly into them.

And sometimes the plants get so dry that they begin to wilt and lay.  Not because I didn't WANT to throw water on them all day long, but because I need them to send their roots just a little deeper.  To search for their own water. To make them a bit stronger in the long run.

But when you do water them, you have to be careful not to soak the leaves.  It must be a gentle misting that goes at the rate that the soil can absorb the water.  Too much and it creates a river and runs away from the plants roots.  Too little, and it isn't even received by the plant.  Just a soft gentle shower.

I feel like it is the same when it comes to God's lessons.  We are the plants, he is the gardener.  His goal is to help us to bear good fruit, to provide the circumstances to grow us.  We must remain strong and healthy, send our roots deep, stay upright when life is scortching us, and receive His love when he gently showers it on us.........long after the trial has gone.  Stay faithful in knowing that He is near and is watching and is ready to wash us.

I have never felt His love so strongly in my life.  I am a blessed woman, and I am thankful that I get to know His love.

VA- CAY

Today we leave for a little two day get away.  One that I have been looking forward to all year long! 


I better go get busy and get to packing!!!

A gentle washing of the funkiness

You know that feeling that makes you feel like the weight of the world is crushing your spirit? 

Like everything is just too much and you would rather curl up in a hole than even try to get dressed and keep going?

Like the slighted mention of even a broken cookie brings you to tears and you sob until your eyes burn?

That's kind of where I've been.

I know that Dan and the kids don't understand, even I don't understand.

The past few months have been a struggle.  There has been death all around me. And just loss in general.  It just seems like everything has kind of been shaken up. 

And I'm just tired.

Tired of running.  Tired of working all the time (phew- glad that is over for the next year). Tired of always having something that needs my attention- none of which are things I love giving my attention to (dust balls, messy drawers, out of control laundry, dirty cars, weedy flower beds, dirty carpets).

Tired.

Last weekend, some friends invited us out for the afternoon to their home. 

And it turned out to be just what my soul was in need of.

It was no doubt one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, and yet so very simple.  The kids rode on various fast four wheeled contraptions, chose from buckets of various sparklers to enjoy, played with a donkey, chased geese and chickens, ate yummy food stored in bowls of ice and laughed and giggled with tons of other kids.

And at the end of the night we all sat on benches surrounded by colorful tiki torches and watched a 2 hour firework show over their pond.  The teenagers in charge of lighting them all did a great job with timing and not catching themselves on fire.  And we all enjoyed just enjoying.

I suppose someday the 'funny' will come back into my spirit.  But for now it is not there.  Sometimes I think people assume that because I laugh and joke most of the time, that I am frivilous or not a deep spirit......but I am.  And I do have feelings.  And I do have important thoughts.  And I do have more to me than just joking around all the time.  I just enjoy the fun too.  I'm trying hard to develope a sense of 'value' of myself.  It's slow coming, that's for sure.  But I also think that might be a 'gift' that God gives to some of us, a sort of humbleness in not thinking of yourself important.  So there is that too. But it sure does make it hard when people go out of their way to hurt you, or point out your flaws, or shower their meaness in my direction.

Wow- what a downer.  Perhaps I will crack open one of my wine slushies a little early today and try to shake this funk!

Happy Fourth of July- try not to blow anything of importance up today : )