Thursday, October 5, 2017

The weight of the loss

I feel guilty.

Guilty because I am grieving the loss of a little man that is still here.

It's been a minute since I've posted my thoughts here, so let me rewind a little.

We have had the pleasure of having a little tiny man with us for the past six months who just recently turned two whole years old.  He has sparkly blue eyes that I swear look right into my soul.  He captures the attention of anyone who will look his way and he flashes the most beautiful smile.  A smile that just makes your heart skip an entire beat.  All the while those eyes of his are processing the world around him.

We foster to stand in the gap for families.  While parents try to heal and become whole, we love on their littles and try to provide the same healing to them.  But the plan is never forever.

Until one day our caseworker said we had to quick decide if we would want him forever.  Because of an impending jail sentence and various dcs rules, he may need a forever home.  And I wasn't so sure that I was on board.  Everyone else in our home was 'YES!', but to be honest- having a toddler has been a whole lot of work.  Work that I haven't really had to do for a while.  So selfishly, I just wanted us to think about it.  But as I prayed, that door opened in my heart and I began to envision a life with a little tiny person in it.  A world where I would be almost 60 years old when they graduated high school.  One where I would need my reading glasses to read his sweet writings in elementary school.  One where this momma of 3 became one to 4.

If it was necessary, that is.

But once that door is opened, it just kind of stays that way.

Not because of this decision, but just because it is natural, I have fallen in deep smitten love with this child.  His sweet way of humming when I sing to him, his excitement when one of my kids runs up the driveway to shower attention on him, the way he rocks his tiny behind up in the air when he sleeps to self soothe.  Head over heels in love with him.

I didn't believe it was possible to love someone like they were your own child when they weren't.  I just assumed that since I have had my own children and I know that bond, that I wouldn't be able to replicate it exactly in another child.  But when I realized how much I love this tiny person, I thought for sure it was Gods way of preparing me to keep him forever.  His way of making my heart and hands willing to take on the huge job of raising another child from toddlerness.  I mean if it came to that.  Because his parents were growing and changing and prayers have been for them to step up for this sweet child.  Be the amazing parents that he deserves.  Allow him the family he was born to.  But if it was needed- only if- then we would gladly wrap around him as his family.

Imagine the punch in the gut it was to meet a family member who has been trying to get custody of this little guy in court one week.

I was assured that he wouldn't be moved. That in the protection of his best interest, it would be crucial that he stay where he is thriving and healing so well.

But that wasn't true.  And in a matter of just a few weeks, this little person who fills the biggest part of our entire home will be moving with his aunt.  An aunt he is just now getting to know.  I can see her good heart, and that she is wanting to love him well.  I just wish that our love for him was enough.

I will forever be a different woman because of this child.  And I will miss him for the rest of my life.  But oh what an honor to have gotten to be his 'home' for just a little while.  I have been told that sometimes little people come into our lives only so that we will pray for them for the rest of theirs.  Without a doubt my prayers will wrap around this little guy forever.

It's amazing to think that someone could become such a huge part of my life, and yet as he grows he will probably never remember me.

But we are here little man, the family who loves you with every scrap of who we are.  We will never ever forget you.  Your presence in our home will forever be a sweet memory to us all.

In the meantime I will soak up every bit of you I can.  I dread the upcoming day when you leave our home, but I know if given the chance again we would never have missed this opportunity!

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