Thursday, November 21, 2013

A Strong Tower

I struggle.

That should come as no surprise.

Us women, we are built this way I'm afraid.  But instead of holding each other up, we tend to do more tearing down.  Out of our own insecurities.

And I realize this.  But it makes no difference when it is happening to me.  I fail to be able to step back and see the wounding on the other womans heart.  Instead, I directly look inside and wonder what is wrong with me.  I have this strange NEED to please them and to 'fix' whatever it is that is 'wrong' with me so that they will like me.  How sick is that?

I have stepped out of what was once my world into a whole new world.  And the problem is that I keep trying to straddle both worlds.  The truth is that I don't believe that is possible.  I am now a homeschool mom.  I don't fit with the school moms anymore. 

Recently at a youth ministry event the moms were supposed to stay with their daughters.  It was a powerful evening talking about protecting our daughters hearts and preparing them for marriage one day.  Before we 'met', moms were mingling.  And I didn't 'fit'.  I used to have a few moms I knew and felt like I could chat with.  But there seemed to be an invisible line.  One that separated me from them- the school moms.

Instantly I felt what Ally has been talking about.  How she doesn't feel like she fits in with her friends anymore.  I keep thinking that is just a feeling inside of her, one that she needs to cross over and lay aside.  Probably that is true for me too- I should have just walked across that stupid room and joined in.  But I couldn't- that giant invisible line was too apparent.

And now that I sit to write this, I get it. But I don't think this feeling is from God.  I think this is how the enemy works against us.  And I have to admit he is messing with me right now.  I have this huge overwhelming desire to run to the school and put her back.......just so she can be happy.  But God has other plans for us.  So we must be obedient. 

I know all of this.

Ultimately, Ally's happiness can't be the factor that determines the path for our home.  God has to do that.  We must be obedient to Him.  But it is hard and it hurts.  Even just typing this out here feels vulnerable.

What we think we need to be happy is not what God knows we need.  So we have to trust Him.  That is faith.  My faith is being tested.  It's being grown.  It's being developed.

I see happiness on her face.  I hear her laugh during the day.  I see her making new relationships- good relationships with good people.  I can see her flourishing.  But her mouth only ever speaks of her unhappiness.  So that makes it hard.

But I understand.  I don't 'fit' anywhere right now either.  Not socially.  And that is okay.  I just have to have faith to perservere this storm.  Because God promises He knows the path He has chosen for us and He will use all things for our good.

But really moms?  Really wives?  Really women?  Can't we use our powers for good?  Why not hold each other up instead of tearing us down with our own insecurites?