Thanksgiving..............

It has been 13 years today since my dad left this earth.  I was 26 when he died.

I think back over just this last year and all the changes that have enveloped my family.  To even begin to comprehend how different my life looks now as opposed to 13 years ago is incomprehensible.  But I'm sure if my dad could be here, he wouldn't hardly recognize us. 

I have a home he never touched with his physical hands.  We attend a different church than the one he would visit us at.  I have children he never held and made duck noises at.  And the baby he would save his cookies for?  She's a young woman now.

Even though I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, I am thankful.  So thankful for our God who keeps His promises and who heals and mends.  The grieve, although still present, is such a small sparkle comparted to the giant ball of fire it began as.  I can laugh and feel no guilt.  I can go to my moms house and not instantly be overwhelmed by his absence.  I can talk to my kids about the grandpa they never met without feeling anger and pain.

It is good.  Well, it's okay anyway.  Because with life comes death, and with love comes grief.  Without love, there would be no pain in the passing.  So it is with thanksgiving that I still grieve the absence of my father- because he was loved.

A Strong Tower

I struggle.

That should come as no surprise.

Us women, we are built this way I'm afraid.  But instead of holding each other up, we tend to do more tearing down.  Out of our own insecurities.

And I realize this.  But it makes no difference when it is happening to me.  I fail to be able to step back and see the wounding on the other womans heart.  Instead, I directly look inside and wonder what is wrong with me.  I have this strange NEED to please them and to 'fix' whatever it is that is 'wrong' with me so that they will like me.  How sick is that?

I have stepped out of what was once my world into a whole new world.  And the problem is that I keep trying to straddle both worlds.  The truth is that I don't believe that is possible.  I am now a homeschool mom.  I don't fit with the school moms anymore. 

Recently at a youth ministry event the moms were supposed to stay with their daughters.  It was a powerful evening talking about protecting our daughters hearts and preparing them for marriage one day.  Before we 'met', moms were mingling.  And I didn't 'fit'.  I used to have a few moms I knew and felt like I could chat with.  But there seemed to be an invisible line.  One that separated me from them- the school moms.

Instantly I felt what Ally has been talking about.  How she doesn't feel like she fits in with her friends anymore.  I keep thinking that is just a feeling inside of her, one that she needs to cross over and lay aside.  Probably that is true for me too- I should have just walked across that stupid room and joined in.  But I couldn't- that giant invisible line was too apparent.

And now that I sit to write this, I get it. But I don't think this feeling is from God.  I think this is how the enemy works against us.  And I have to admit he is messing with me right now.  I have this huge overwhelming desire to run to the school and put her back.......just so she can be happy.  But God has other plans for us.  So we must be obedient. 

I know all of this.

Ultimately, Ally's happiness can't be the factor that determines the path for our home.  God has to do that.  We must be obedient to Him.  But it is hard and it hurts.  Even just typing this out here feels vulnerable.

What we think we need to be happy is not what God knows we need.  So we have to trust Him.  That is faith.  My faith is being tested.  It's being grown.  It's being developed.

I see happiness on her face.  I hear her laugh during the day.  I see her making new relationships- good relationships with good people.  I can see her flourishing.  But her mouth only ever speaks of her unhappiness.  So that makes it hard.

But I understand.  I don't 'fit' anywhere right now either.  Not socially.  And that is okay.  I just have to have faith to perservere this storm.  Because God promises He knows the path He has chosen for us and He will use all things for our good.

But really moms?  Really wives?  Really women?  Can't we use our powers for good?  Why not hold each other up instead of tearing us down with our own insecurites?

Stop and smell the awesome

Sunday morning.  Time change weekend. Husband working overtime.  Smallest child has been puking.  Oldest child is behind on schoolwork.  Lights dim, curtain rises..................

I decided that I would leave Sam home with Ally and Emily and I would go to church.  I needed/wanted/had to be in church that morning.  Desperately.  So Emily and I wake up and although we aren't sure what time it officially is because of the stupid time change, we are pretty certain it's time to go.

The drive was quiet and also included me making a phone call and wasting my alone time with Emily.  But once at church we both walk in and go our separate ways- Emily to her childrens worship and me to my station as a greeter.  Then on to worship.

I was confronted by a fellow mom who is also a homeschooler and she asked about how things are REALLY going.  And before I know it I'm a soppy crying mess dumping all the past weeks frustrations right at her feet..............and we both miss the first part of worship.  She didn't seem to mind.  And her encouragement was spot on and MUCH needed for the moment.

After worship I get Emily from her worship an we deliver boyscout popcorn to fellow friends.  Then we are out the door and I call Ally to see if I can run a quick errand before coming home.

Emily wants to know where we are going out to lunch at.  Because as a family we always go out for lunch after church.  Except this week.  We are not because I have unattended children at home and no husband.  But she is starving, and I have an errand.  So I decide to buy her a happy meal,and she is happy with that.  She eats in the car on our way to the fabric store.

I am teaching sewing at co-op, don't you dare laugh.  It's hand sewing for 1st-4th graders and I think I can do this as it's only for 9 weeks.  So that being said I have supplies to buy.

The store is chaos, and I can't find anything I want and the lady that is supposed to be helping me is having a month long conversation about wooden boxes with another customer and I can't find anything and WILL YOU JUST HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Emily is pointing out this and that, over and over, lots of stuff to look at.

We puruse the clearance Fall stuff- pick out a couple things we don't need but want.  They end up not ringing up the right price so we put them back, and I get super frustrated because REALLY?!?  It's either on sale and with the sign or you screwed up and you should fix it.

Once we get to the check out there are at least 10 people ahead of us and they each have 43 items and the lady ringing up is s  l  o  w  e  r than slow.    And everyone is having some coupon or price issue and we wait and wait and wait.  Until after like 20 minutes another lady finally comes to help check out and we still wait like another 15 minutes. 

We get to the car, Emily had her partially eaten now cold lunch to finish and I am worrying about my other two kids and just really exhausted.  I need to get home and help Ally finish her school work before we leave for church again that evening and I've yet to eat and I'm still needing to prep for co-op tomorrow.

I start the car and head out of the lot and I hear Emily whisper under her breath "Today is AWESOME".

Awesome?  I stopped the car and looked at her and asked her why?  She said getting to go to church with just me, getting to be in joy jammers (our childrens worship team), then lunch, and spending all that time with me in the check out line while we waited- it was all so awesome.

Wow.  Slow down Mynde and take a breath.  I totally was missing out on all the awesome.