Might I just take a moment to WHINE!

I am not sure I have ever been this tired in my entire life.  And I have had three babies, so that is saying something.

I am emotionally and physically worn out.  Burnt at both ends.  Like a one armed paper hanger.  Like, like, well........I'm just tired.  Too tired to think of any other terms for being just plain tuckered out.

Last night, I made a quick trip to the grocery to pick up a few items we need for camping this weekend (yes- we get to go again!) and I almost just walked out.  I was right there in the soda pop aisle and I had to literally fight back the tears to keep from having a nervous breakdown right there in the store.  I would have given anything for a bench, just to sit down on for a minute and have not a single solitary soul need a single solitary thing from me.  I was so tired. 

But none of this was an option.  Because leaving all of my carefully selected goods at the grocery would just mean I'd have to go back, there was no bench and crying in the grocery store does nothing but scare people (I speak from experience).

So I kept going.  I finished up my shopping, put away my groceries at home, ran a couple more loads of laundry, folded sams and put it away, made a craft with Emily and her FIRST EVER SLEEP OVER friend, played a couple games of Topple, fed them all a snack and then we rented a movie and I collapsed on the couch with my living room full of children.

And today?  I still feel sooo very tired.  But perhaps a weekend of family fun will do the trick.  If not- there is always next week............

If I ignore it, will it go away?

August 15th is looming over my head like a big bad rain cloud full of darkness.

I keep shoving it out of my mind.  I won't go to the back to school section in the store.  I can't buy him a backpack yet.  But we have already progressed to the earlier bed time in preparation- because it's coming whether I'm ready or not.

For almost 12 years, I have not been alone. Almost at all.  I've had little people with me when I shopped, worked, cooked, heck even in my bathtub with me.  And the truth is, I have gotten so used to their company that the thought of being alone is scaring the heck out of me.

Last year I had to give up Emily to all day school.  After all, there is no half day first grade (but don't think I didn't petition for it).  I cried for WEEKS.  I would hold Sam and talk about Emily.  I was a mess.  A hot mess.  But I adjusted.............eventually.

And now I have to send Sam there.  How in the heck could it have been five years already???  How is that possible?  I keep thinking that if I ignore it, I will get another year with him before I have to send him.  Instead of in just eleven days. 

In looking for pictures of Lew, I ran across these.........

 Allyson's first day of third grade.  She was 9, Emi was 4 and Sam was 2.  It was a typical day.  Those two still in jammies wrapped up in blankies hanging outside while we waited for the bus.

 Well- kind of in jammies.

 Technically, these are emily's jammies (remember her swimsuit phase?  it was all she wore).

 Oh my.

I can feel my heart tightening.

I'm trying really hard to accept that this portion of my life is done.  Coming to a close.  No longer any preschoolers, no babies, no swim suit 4 year olds at the grocery, no little men with 349 cars on my deck.........just school age kids.  Big bad growing up so very very fast kids.

I am a wreck.  I have ALWAYS been so very thankful to get to stay home with these people.  God has been so very good to us to allow this in our lives.  Dan has always been so supportive.  The kids tolerated their less than perfect mother.  I will never never never regret getting to be home with them.  Mostly because on August 15, I have to send my very last little person away to Kindergarten and I will know that I couldn't have done a single thing to make it go any slower.

But I still think a call to his preschool teacher is in order.  It's not too late to hold him back another year and he could really use some more polishing on his abc's...............

Sometimes I use my blog to communicate with my husband........forgive me

Dear Husband,

You think you are stealth, but you are not.  See, I have three- count them     t h r e e    spy cameras installed all up in your business and there is nothing you can do that I won't know about.

Which means I know.  Oh yeah, I totally know.  Everything.  Including your little trip to the automobile store this week and your shopping for a little car to get back and forth to work in.  Little as in a two seater.

I'm here to tell you right this very minute that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY you are going to buy some small two seater sports car to drive while convincing me that the low gas mileage will save our financials.  Because I drive a mini van with radio disney blaring from the speakers.  There are chicken nuggets under the seats, crayons in the cup holders and someone wrote 'peace' in the dust across my back window.  There is no way that you will be getting anything cool to drive.  Gas savings or not.

Just a heads up.  I'm onto you.

Sincerely,
Your way cool wife who sometimes closes her eyes and pretends shes in a convertible and hasn't picked her own radio station in YEARS

Lew

Over the weekend, a very special part of our family died.  Lew Lew the Wonder Dog past away while camping with us Saturday night.  Instantly the loss felt so huge, so unbearable that the tears just didn't stop.  Leaving that campground without him was aweful.  Coming home into the house and not having him here was worse.  Such a huge part of our family he was, I miss him so horribly much.  We have made arrangements to have him cremated so that we can bury him here in our yard next to Daisy, our other dog who died when Emily was a baby.  I want him back with us- even if it is just his remains.

He was in fact the perfect dog for our family.  At the time that he came to live with us (see the picture on the bottom left) Sam was a year old and Emily was three.  Allyson was finishing up Kindergarten.  He was mature, not chewy, house broken and completely  happy to take the back seat and sleep most of the day away.  We were so very blessed to have him with us.  I only wish it could have been for longer.

Thank you Lewis for sharing the last part of your life with us.  I pray that you know how very much we love you, how sorry we are if you were uncomfortable when you died, and how much I wish that you could have stayed here with us for longer.

We will never ever forget you.  You were the best Lew we could have every had.

Survival of the fittest

Last year, my family started a new tradition.  It involves sweating, eating cold meat sandwiches, swimming in a lake and random chit chat.  Welcome family camping trip 2011!

Truth is, they NEED me on this trip.  Who else would kill and clean their dinner?  I mean, this is primitive every man for yourself kind of living.  For three whole days. Do or die. They will totally be depending on my wild life survival skills.  It's tough being the provider for this many people man.

I just hope that our spots are somewhere near the bath house.  I'm a middle of the night pee'er and there isn't much worse than trucking across blocks of dark pavement running and crossing your legs to get to the facilities.  I also hope that Dan can fit the oscillating fan in the van along with our air mattresses, lawn chairs, board games and tote full of keebler cookies and marshmallows.  I also kind of hope we can put our tents in the shadow of my brothers camper.  That would be delightful.

Not sure how the pioneers did it.  Had to be rough trying to load those wagons........

Happy Camping!

Fast. Fresh. Italian.

Yesterday- the kids and I stopped at Fazolis for lunch.  The main reason was because we were out running errands and it got to be lunch time and we were starving.  The other reason is because I've been in a horrible funk and I failed to plan the day out well.  A good mom would have packed a picnic or simply fed them before leaving the house.  But this is me and my world feels off kilter and 'together' is not a word I would even begin to use to describe myself right now.  So we were hungry and not at home- we stopped the car.

So we sit down with our plates of pasta and dripping with butter breadsticks and eat.

Then Allyson finds a hair in her pasta.  I'm not one that gets all freaked out about that.  I guess it happens.  Just take it to the counter and get a fresh plate of food- problem solved.

So I take it up to the counter where the manager is and I whisper (as to not gross out any other customers) that there is a hair in her food. 

He takes the bowl from me and looks down in it.  Then he says he's not going to argue with me, but he doesn't see it.  What else did she want instead. 

Customer service at its finest.

I explained she'd really just like the same thing............hold the hair.  He said he'd bring it right out.

When he arrives at our table, he sets the meal in front of Allyson.  Then he says "You know, it could have come from anywhere.  All our girls wear hats, and I suppose it could have been mine but it was too long."

It's no wonder this man progressed to manager of this fine establishment.  His people skills are amazing.  No time at all he'll probably be transfered to the corporate office.  What an extraordinary man he was!

He's lucky I wasn't in the mood I'm in today.  He'd a' probably been wearin' that pasta.

*Fazolis did not sponsor this post nor did they pay me for my opinions.  They are all my own.  I chose to talk about this only because I felt like it.  You are welcome.

Tips

Sunday we got to take the kids to an Indians Baseball game.  Just as we got in the gate, the rain started to fall.  It was HEAVENLY.  Because here in Central Indiana ya'll?  It's been like an ungodly kind of furnace that has raged on for over a week.  We all just kind basked in the cold drops of heaven and watched them instantly sizzle on the concrete.  But after the rain it was a bit overcast, light breeze, cooler- perfect ball game weather!!!!!

But that is not the point here.

Before the first baseball cracked, the kids were wanting to go get their treat to eat during the game.  Emily finally decided on Dippin' Dots.  The sales gal was a tad pushy and may have been screaming out all the good qualities of her product and that might have had an effect on Emily.  Regardless, after perusing all the options, we came back and Emily picked from the three flavors they were offering.  The gal opened the freezer case, pulled out a small prepackaged bag of freeze dried ice cream (that I'm relatively sure she didn't make), handed it and a spoon to Emily and took the $5 bill from her hot little hand.  Turning to get Emily's $1 change she openly announced that she does accept tips.

Really?  And how's that working out for ya?  Because I've been at this ball field for less than an hour, climbed the stairs to our seats three separate times now, been to the restroom twice, and have walked these snack windows two times with my children.  I am dripping sweat hot, my hair is frizzy and I'm so thirsty I could die.  And YOU accept tips?  So do I chickie- but the jar is always empty.  Thanks for the $4 bag of $.50 ice cream!  Have a great day.

Jeesh.